I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
