What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
