I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
