so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
