nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Randomize
