I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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