his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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