You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
