I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Someone shattered a urinal.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
