I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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