I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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