im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
