Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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