3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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