I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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