you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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