I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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