a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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