he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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