you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
