I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
