Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
