Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It's shark week go big or go home
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
