why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
