Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
