were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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