Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
my liver is dry heaving
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I'm really busy with my period
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
