my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
