We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
