Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
