so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
