I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
