Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
