Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
