I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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