Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
is wine microwaveable?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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