my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
