i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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