I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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