Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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