Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
