An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
