She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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