I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
