I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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