I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
