I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
