So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
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