Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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