I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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