you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
