So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
