Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
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from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
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My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?