On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
