And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
