If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
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Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
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I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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