don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
