I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
