Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
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pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
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That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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