Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
