Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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