I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
