I just pynch a tree in the face
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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