ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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