Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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