Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Help. Why am I so naked?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
